Comes The Dawn

...You begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman,

Not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads today

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight,

After a while you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden

And decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure,

That you really are strong.

That you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn,

With every good-bye you learn.

COMES THE DAWN (Veronica Shorffstall)

The great thing about seasons is that they're not forever. Maybe that's not a great thing. Maybe that's a scary thing. Terrifying, in fact. Or maybe it's encouraging. Hopeful. Maybe that keeps you moving.

I want to live in New York City. If I had no fear and the consent of my parents, I would be there now.

I want to travel the world. See the nations as a young woman unchained to anything but the Gospel.

I want to work at Disney World. Make kiddos giggle, dance in parades, wear a tiara. Sing. Every day.

I want to go on a mission trip. Experience poverty so I can pray with intimacy towards the people. Love so deeply, I cannot help but smile.

I want to lead fitness classes. I want to make relationships over taking care of our temples.

I want to learn how to cook well. I want to make fun stuff that people love and haven't experienced before.

I want to marry a man unlike anything I've ever dreamed. I want a beautiful love story crafted by the God of the universe.

I want a wedding that will make me cry for years to come. Not because of its aesthetics, but because of the unification Christ allows us to experience here on earth. A celebration of His love and the people He made.

I want to be a woman of the church. With my abilities and loves, I want my presence to be a beacon of light that leads straight to the heart of Christ. I want the church to be my home.

I want to celebrate pregnancy and announce it to my hubby and fam. I want to have a kitchen floor flooded with toys and hear "Mommy" directed my way.

Those chapters are still pages away.

As for this chapter...

I am a student in every way. My days are filled with education and attending classes; being mentored by dear men and women who pursue Christ with gusto. Dance classes, rehearsals, and lessons consume much time and devotion. I am learning to build stamina in my body and in my soul. I am learning to build muscle. I AM building muscle.

I live with my family. I have young siblings who have dreams of their own...siblings who need their big sis to encourage those dreams. I have parents I am obligated to respect, but admire by choice.

I attend a church that loves Jesus and others. Dear friends of mine fill that building and help me remember that the body of Christ is wherever His presence dwells...Starbucks, the Anchorage Trail, or in the car.

I am here. In this city.

I choose to love it. I choose to walk. I choose to build my roads today, walking by faith. 

Not by sight.

I really am strong. Well, I personally am not. But God in me is.

So I am brave, and I keep going...

(Side note: My precious friend Hannah gave me the most beautiful bracelet with this reminder..)

Knowing that today won't last, death will come, and ministry is in-between...

The chapters end, but a new one is promised to begin.

"And you learn and learn,

With every good-bye you learn."

The End of Me

Tears flooded my eyes as a peace transformed my soul. This was it. This was a changing moment that would never leave my memory.

Right there in the Heine Brothers parking lot. A rainy Sunday afternoon on the brink of autumn.

Right in front of Heine Brothers, the car seat was reclined as I stared out the window. The words raptured my heart and I knew this was it...

"You've brought me to the end of myself...and this has been the longest road...just when my hallelujah was tired, you gave me a new song...I'm letting go, I'm letting go

I'm letting go...and falling into You"

Lord, you've brought me to the end of myself...

I'm letting go.

I have to. There's nothing certain left to cling unto.

"Never have I been so empty," I thought. Hot tears of pure exhaustion ran down my cheeks and tickled my neck. 

The air condition gently blew. I looked over at my dear friend, also reclined...eyes closed. A peace covering her face. A faint smile tickling her lips.

Surrounded. I felt surrounded.

I faced back forward as I let the words continue to wash over me...

"You remind me of things forgotten...you unwind me until I'm totally undone. And with Your arms around me, fear was no match for Your love....

Now You've won me."

There went the waterworks. 

All feelings of insufficiency, exhaustion, anger, and mourning collapsed in that solitary moment.

He had won me.

He had won me.

As the last notes of the song faded, my dear friend opened her eyes and positioned herself to face me.

"Lyd," her knowing voice called.

"I have this image in my head...a certain 'playing out' of your situation He has given me...You were being courted by many suitors." She continued to list the multiple involvements I devote great attention and time to.

"Those things have exhausted you. Worn you out and given you temporary happiness. And they are most certainly gifts from Him. But at last, you have let Him grab you. He has won you, Lyd. He has won you."

More tears.

"I have never seen you so free. Never seen you so open to his calling...no clenched fists."

Looking down, my hands were palms up. 

"Never so in love with Him, never so dependent."

He has won me over.

And in that Heine Brothers parking lot, something changed. A level of my life felt unlocked...freed.

I know who Lydia Grace Johnson is.

Apart from musical theatre, school, decisions to be made...I know who I am. These suitors have merely aided in the cultivation of me.

At the end of me, in the midst of exhaustion, He has won me.

Pulling out of that parking lot, something had changed. Oh, most certainly, dark days were ahead. Many days since have been spent on a spot I affectionately call my "emotion couch." But more than ever before, my hands are open. My joy is not my own. A happiness I have never known is growing within. I sometimes hate my days. But I walk. And I know.

Oh, I know.

He has won me.

No turning back....no turning back....

P.S. May this song captivate you as much as it did me...

http://youtu.be/8-O0nyTAHJU